Pigs and Wands

Reading Time: 9 minutes

fUCKING hELL mATE,

What a crazy time, we’ve had to get rid of the fridges and start shooting people’s limbs off, ‘cos we don’t want to kill ’em. They won’t remember then, if they’re dead, so shoot ’em in the limbs and then they’ll remember what they got shot for. Had a Coblers Monday today, it’s what the fishermen used to do when they’d got that pissed on a Sunday that they couldn’t work the next day, so the only thing to do is get pissed again. We had to nail this bloke’s hand to the floor and put food 6″ beyond his reach, we didn’t have to do the food thing but introduced it into the game just to jolly it up a bit, just for daftness.… Read more

Topping Up

Reading Time: 9 minutes

Sirrah,

Twenty one, twenty three, me and you, you and me. The Sky. The Sea. The clouds are loud, and in a crowd. Dead house. And now for the shipping forecast, before we join the weird surface. Kidney stream. Bint. On a tripod, a glove. Wash the glove, bacon. Annex the coast t’ toaster. Wish it down with tea from’t china c’up. Had Pentangle on, now it’s a Platipus comp. (vol. 3). Iffy, iffy, let’s get squiffy. Put it yon side of temptation. Cider sensation. And now… Moo, belch, of course, it’s, (phonetic equivalent of), (speeded-up, farted-out, slowed-down), Meditive. U Wot? Fish issues, percolate. Horlics horticulture. * Mr. Gall. (The). Yo-Ho. The oven is on, ready for the bread, and maybe a fish-cake if you are lucky.… Read more

Two Fried Eggs

Reading Time: 10 minutes

“Well Ruth, I’m never ever going to see you or hear from you ever again am I. I hope not. Thank fuck for that, you nearly killed me you fucking cold-hearted evil bitch. You knew what I’d been through with that stupid poison dwarf Moira and how she tried to take me on and destroy me and how I had to drag the stupid bitch to her edge, not my edge of course, and scare the fuck out of her, she asked for it and she got it and will never speak to me again, but the daft poisonous little oaf has the fucking brass-neck to come into the pub tonight with ***** my dutch ex-mate (they are now an item) and sit there and laugh and sing, so I sat in the back room with ***** who calmed me down ‘cos I was trembling like fuck and ready to kick off, but no need ‘cos I already proved me point the other day in there when I fuckin kicked off at her but managed not to hurt anyone especially myself, which is most important of course even though I forget that a lot ‘cos I’ve been to the place of razoring my arm and I’m not going back there and also, only, therefore I couldn’t give a fucking shite, anyone wants a go, I’m here, disturbed, frustrated, on the razor-edge of nowhere, lost it, slipped away thru my fingers, do me a fucking favour, put me out of my fucking misery but oops, you slipped, saw you, silly, silly, big mistake – YOU’RE IT.… Read more