I am in limbo. It will be over soon, I hope. One way or the other. I got out of that house – Belle Vue – two weeks ago, but it is still torturing me. I was evicted for ‘violent and abusive behaviour whilst intoxicated’, you fuckin’ bet I was fuckin’ intoxicated’. I am crashing on sofas and most of my belongings are in storage. I am exhausted and emotional. My friend is asleep on his setee with Ready Steady Cook on t.v. I seem to be aching and tense everywhere. I cannot eat. I am trying to get through whatever is happening to me but I’m not quite sure what it is anymore. I had to get out of that house for lots of reasons. My mind keeps spiralling off into strange forms of language. My nerves are on edge. I am trying not to breakdown / shutdown under this intense heavy pressure. My vision is morphing. It’s a funny old world.
I’ve just spoken to you on the telling-bone.
All this time of wanting someone, trying to keep my head together through the lonely madness and she walked into my room one day totally transforming my life. We started going out but it was extremely difficult because her work is connected with where I was living. She was scared about losing her job and we were falling head – over – heels for each other so I kicked and shouted my way out of that house at last.
The most amazing, indescribable, intense psychic stuff has been going on between us and we’re so close but things are so difficult still. We’re both exhausted because it all gets so tense and then relaxes and… The next few days are crucial. I should have somewhere to live and we have a very special night planned. If it goes wrong or doesn’t work out then I’m not sure what’s going to happen to me so I wanted to get this written and posted either way, just so it’s done. I am using energies and experiencing things and places and states even I never knew existed. Exciting and scary and painful at the same time. If we can hold it all together for the next few days everything will be O.K.
At one point it took Black Sabbath – Vol 4 on the Walkman full blast just so I could walk around outside, amongst people. Got it down to the Dead on half vol. Had V.D.G.G. on for a jolly the other day but can’t listen to owt at the moment. I wish I could write her name instead of putting ‘she’ but I can’t, it’s not fair. Hopefully she’s getting some rest right at this very moment, we’re both totally fkn shattered but I can’t sleep at the mo. It’s not late (20:44) and I have managed to eat a load of fish, chips and peas but I need to catch up on me sleep. I have come so far and have sorted lots of shit out but it’s ‘make – or – break’ time. The final steps. This is the big one.
Yours – Paul Morgan.